The Mother Who Overnight, Saw A Night & Day Difference In Her Child
I recently shared a testimonial I had shared of a mother who came to me for help because in an argument, she had asked her daughter to leave the house, thinking she couldn’t take it anymore and wanted her to leave but then as soon as her daughter walked out, the mother felt unbearable regret and grief. She messaged me telling me that she had been crying so much that her tears had dried up. The sister joined my Happy Home Program that day, and I coached and advised her on what was really going on with her and her daughter and how to bring her home and start bonding instead. After becoming clear on the issues and the next step, this client followed my advise and was able to speak to her daughter in such a way that calmed her daughter down and brought her back home.
The following day, the mother sends me another message telling me how her and her daughter had been bonding that evening and how she could see a whole different side to her daughter. The point of the testimonial was to share how if you change the way you approach your child, you will bring out a different side to them. You will see a night and day difference overnight just as this sister did. We are now continuing to work together to strengthen their bonds and help them overcome the real underlying issues that caused their disconnection in the first place.
This is so important otherwise the issues keep resurfacing until both parent and child just give up because they’ve tried so many times that, they can’t bear the hurt and pain of disappointment anymore. They start to think that perhaps it simply easier for them to have distance between them, because they are both now so desperate for some emotional stability, they can’t cope with the highs and lows anymore.
Peace isn’t where you think it is
But the truth is that as with this mother and every mother in the world, no matter what you child says or does, the moment that they walk out of the door, is the moment that that mother’s heart breaks. She might have thought that she’ll feel peace but loss and regret is actually worse than the emotional highs and lows, because now its just low. There is no pleasure in anything when we feel like we’ve failed ourselves and failed our child.
So if this resonates with you, and you are struggling with your relationship with your child and you can see that theres more lows than highs but you definitely do not want to lose your child, then this article is for you. I speak to so many mothers in your situation, where you
- are losing hope,
- fearing is it too late
- wondering have I done enough or
- was it my fault.
This keeps you up at night. The fear of waiting for something bad to happen, like your car about to collide with a wall but there’s nothing you can do about it. The anxiety is unbearable. You are on edge at home and outside the home, you just can’t relax anymore and be yourself.
So in the end, unable to take this anymore, most mothers end up asking their child to leave.
But what they don’t realise is that that’s the final push but the pushing has started a while ago and it doesn’t have to end up like this. By realising how we innocently push our child away, we can actually start drawing them close instead. After all, this is what we really want as mothers.
There are 3 critical mindset mistakes mothers who fear losing their children are making that actually pushes their child out the door quicker and we must understand these in order to actually stop and bring our child closer to us instead.
The 3 Different Stages of Disconnected Parenting
However before I share this, it is important to share what the 3 different stages of Disconnected Parenting are because, the disconnection happened long before and if we understand when, then we can do something about it to save ourselves and our families from a lot of sadness and heartache.
The first stage of disconnected parenting is where we find parenting hard, overwhelming and stressful, not knowing if we’re doing things the right way, we try our best but we find that we’re changing as a person, we become strict, militant and controlling or we become unsure and unconfident so we give our children everything hoping they will listen. Either way, we find ourselves at extremes unable to find the middle ground.
As a result, we find that we are no longer recognise ourselves because we’re always stressed, tense and serious around our children. Either we don’t feel like ourselves anymore or we’re unable to be ourself at home. Outside the home, we are a different person and our children are not seeing the best of us.
Here the first disconnection happens where we disconnect with ourself.
The second stage of disconnected parenting is where we can see that something is not working because our children are either not listening to us or they are doing things behind our backs. They are not turning out how we hoped and we start to get frustrated and angry towards them thinking after everything I’ve done for you and sacrificed for you, why are you not listening. This brings out an angry and agitated side to us and we are telling off our child, shouting or becoming more militant with them. Or we go to the other extreme of disengaging, ignoring and switching off from our child. They don’t deserve it unless they listen and so we withdraw.
Here our frustrated behaviour leads our child to disconnect from us so as we disconnect from them.
The third stage of disconnected parenting
This disconnection leads to our child’s behaviour worsening and now we reach the final stage of disconnected parenting.
Now there’s constant conflict, shouting, arguments between you. Your child is pushing the boundaries, swearing, hitting, going out without permission, indulging in haram and maybe leaving the deen.
The emotional highs and lows leave you biding time until they leave home and leaves your child waiting to be old enough to get away. At this point, parents feel used like their child is just using them, waiting for the day that they can just leave and never have to see their family again.
Save Yourself The Heartache and Grief
Inside the Happy Home School of Parenting, I have a specific plan and program for each stage of Disconnected Parenting that helps you to get back on tract with your child. Obviously if you’ve reached stage 3 the journey back to peaceful parenting takes longer but knowing this, no parent should wait until they reach stage 3 in order to get help. If you’re unsure of the best way to parent your child then, don’t wait for the problems to appear or worsen in your child’s behaviour, you can already see if you’re parenting the way you wanted or getting the results you hoped for.
If it’s not going to plan, get in touch. We can have a 121 private 30 mins coaching session to find out what stage you’re at and what you need to get on track with your parenting so you can actually start enjoying your time and opportunity with your children instead of fearing and seeing your worse fears unfold. Click here to book one of these Happy Home Discovery Sessions with me.
Now we’ve understood the 3 stages of Disconnected Parenting, let’s have a look at what are the 3 Most Critical Mistakes Mothers make that push their child away, instead of drawing them closer.
The First Critical Mistake
They try harder to stamp their authority on their child in order to gain the respect back or keep their child close to them.
But we your child ready to ignore you and do their own thing, this just makes matters worse. Now the child is backed into a corner and the only way forward is either to respect you or head for the door. But you can’t force your child to respect you by respecting our boundaries. The two are not the same.
When we make this mistake of coming down hard on our child, screaming and shouting at them, putting stronger boundaries around them to keep them close, they actually lose even more respect for us as parents.
You cannot force a disconnected child into submission and expect that they will respect you or your boundaries. Naturally, when we feel forced, we push back. It’s human nature so you can see why this would just go against you if that’s how you’re trying to force your child into listening or staying closer to you.
The Second Critical Mistake
The second mistake we make is to actually fear the worse will happen, fearing that our child will leave and not come back, fearing that we will fail as a parent, fearing that our child will go off the path of the deen or off-track in building a succesful career and future.
That fear consumes us so much so that we actually start living as if we are there already. We live in a daze, our mind is cloudy, we can’t think, we switch off from what we need to do, and we feel unable to give our other children what they need too. We are in a constant state of anxiety and feeling helpless that this awful thing is happening because our child is doing this to us.
As we blame our child for their disruptive behaviour, we act cold and withdrawn from the child we fear losing, we are constantly angry at them for putting us through this and because of that, they keep further away from us. They feel like an even bigger disappointment and they feel like it would be better for everyone if they left.
However, here’s the thing….in fearing the worse, we start living as if that doom future has already happened and it hasn’t happened yet. We are living a made up nightmare, made up in our minds, fearing the worse, and in doing so, we actually push our child closer to the door.
The Third Critical Mistake
The third biggest mistakes mothers make in the situation where they feel close to losing their child is they give up. They say to themselves, there’s nothing more i can do, i have done everything I can as a parent and now it’s on them. They have to learn the hard way, they have to go out in the world and realise and appreciate what they had here.
It’s true, a child will never truly appreciate what their parents did for them until they are faced alone in the world but normally that realisation comes for most people, later in life when they marry and settle down. But what about all those years in between, most people end up lost for many years before they realise. They lose the most important formative years of their life. Instead, they end up sabotaging their life, making poor choices, hanging out with the wrong company, losing out on their education before they realise.
Also as your child starts to appreciate you, you will also appreciate your child when they leave. You will suddenly realise that there was more you could have done and want to do, that you can’t bear to see them going through difficulty and not coming back to ask you for help because they have too much pride to ask now.
This is not the better road my sister and only in rare cases do children leave and realise and fix up.
Resolving The Real Issues
There are underlying issues that led to this point and your child fixing up alone won’t resolve it.
The real issues need to be addressed for a peaceful home and family life and for you and your child to find ease and enjoyment in each other’s company and create a strong bond otherwise you can keep bringing the home but at some point they will give up and walk away.
So if you want clarity on where you are and what needs to change so you can bring your child closer to you, then get in touch, book a discovery call with me and discover what you’re not seeing about how to solve your challenges at home.
Ultimately, mothers want to feel confident, connected, and deeply bonded with their children. Recognizing and addressing these mindset mistakes is essential for bringing your child closer to you and creating a more harmonious and loving family dynamic inshaaAllah.
When you resolve the real issues, you will sleep more peacefully at night, feel like you’re living again and you’ll be able to enjoy your life again. Addressing these issues will leave you living and smiling and strutting your stuff as a Successful Mum, doing her best and living her best life, inshaaAllah.
