Have you ever noticed the impact of your marriage on your parenting?
That when you and your husband have had an argument or you are upset by how you have been treated by your husband, that your fuse is shorter that day? You are usually patient but as you’re mulling over what happened with your husband and how you will deal with it, you’re unable to be patient and present with your child?
Here’s the vicious cycle, the less present you are with your child, the more your child misbehaves. That’s exactly what you don’t need in that moment. That’s why we snap.
So this week, I will be sharing some amazing tips to transform your marriage and get you unstuck where you feel stuck. After all, a happy marriage is a happier you. So what makes you unhappy?
I hear you, it’s the way your husband does not value you or appreciate what you do or supports you or makes time for you or gives you what you need emotionally. And the more you do for your husband so that he will just give you what you need, the less he does it.
So here’s a simple solution that will transform your relationship, but before I share that, let me tell you what is at the root of the problem here.
After speaking to so many sisters at the brink of leaving their marriages or reaching the point where they have given up hope on ever being happy, I wanted to share where the biggest issue lies in most marriages; one word.
You see when we get married, both the husband and the wife have expectations of what they think the other will give them and how they will behave.
Usually, you will find that most women want their husbands to make them feel special, worthy, loved, appreciated and treated like a princess. We also decide in our minds how they should speak to us, treat us when we have made a mistake, how they should want to spend every waking hour with us, spoil us and give us attention.
We also have our own ideas of how they will balance their relationships with their parents and us as their wife, protect and provide for us.
What were your expectations? Write them down.
We all have these ideas but rarely do we communicate these to our husbands.
The same goes for husbands too. They have an idea of how their ideal wife should be, how she should speak to him, treat him with respect, fulfil his needs, serve his parents, support him even when he is harsh with the children and how she should care for him and his children.
Where these expectations align with the Quran and Sunnah, then most of the time, we are able to fulfil each other’s expectations because we are already aware of what is expected of us and accept it. However, sometimes we don’t always accept it or know what is expected of us. This is one issue.
Another is that expectations are the biggest connection-killer in your marriage.
Because you will no longer see the other person, you will see how they failed your expectation and vice versa. Even if they do something good, it may go unnoticed because it is still not as good as you expect of them. Has this happened to you?
I had a client who struggled with her husband expecting her to wait on him hand and foot and she was happy to do it but in return she expected her husband to spend quality time with her and help her with the children. However, the more she did at home, the less time he spent at home. Her expectation was reasonable I’m sure you’ll agree but her husband had never agreed to it and thought she was happy to do it as part of her role and didn’t realise what she expected in return, so he didn’t understand why she was so upset. For him, there was no problem because he was getting what he expected.
So here are some red flags to look out for:-
• Have you made a deal in your mind that you haven’t communicated with your husband, I’ll do this, if you do this? Or,
• Maybe either or both of you might be seeking perfection? Notice that there is no room for weaknesses and shortcomings. Without realising, we don’t allow for our humanness or for the other to struggle with their responsibilities.
Whenever these things happens, we start to feel taken advantage of, we feel like we are giving more than we are receiving and that the other person does not understand our needs. Is this how you are feeling?
So if you have been trying to fix your husband to meet your expectations, know that you are wasting your time and probably making matters worse as no one wants to be ‘fixed’ so they resist. Fixing someone to meet your expectations will never work. It will ultimately lead you to disappointment.
The simple solution is to reach agreements with your husband instead. This way, both parties are clear on what has been agreed and what the other is committing to. If you have been feeling disappointed in your spouse or you feel that he is disappointed in you, then agreements are definitely the way forward.
Find a good time to reach agreements with your husband with the objective being that you want to please each other in order to please Allah swt. However, that doesn’t mean that you have to agree to that which Allah swt would not be pleased with. Allah swt does not want injustice for you nor for you to give up the rights and duties that He honoured you with.
Another important note is that when having these conversations, we need to use wisdom in order to speak in such a way that endears the other to wanting to reach an agreement. Therefore, threats, ultimatums, harshness like ‘I will be fine without you’, or conversations when we are very, very emotional are unlikely to work. Gentleness, love and mercy are key to reaching such agreements.
Once you reach agreements, (which may take time) you will find a deep sense of peace between both of you, as you let go of your expectations, stop feeling disappointed and know where you stand with the other person.
Letting go of your expectations and reaching agreements will transform your marriage on so many levels, as it has done for my clients. Start with looking at your expectations and his of you, and you will start to see where most of issues arise between you and your husband.
I pray for peace and understanding in your marriage and love and mercy to prevail, ameen.
With warm salaams,
Your Coach Amina,
Helping You To Build Your Happy Home