Although there is a lot of emphasis on how we shouldn’t shout as mothers and how our anger impacts our children, what we must not forget is why we are angry in the first place.
What lies behind your anger in almost all cases is hurt.
Hurt when we are unable to resolve it, leads to anger.
Hurt when it is bottled in and suppressed, leads to anger.
Hurt when it is ignored and brushed under the carpet, leads to anger.
Behind every angry mum, is a mum who is hurt.
It is easy to look at the behaviour of someone and say that they should not behave like this. It is easy to judge it and easy to label it. Even we do it to ourselves sisters, we shame ourselves for our behaviour but do we even understand what is really causing it?
Every peaceful parenting manual tells us to look past the child’s behaviour to see how they are struggling. But how often are we prepared to do that for ourselves? How often are we willing to look below the surface to see what is going on in our hearts?
The prophet saw said that “there is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good (reformed) the whole body becomes good but if it gets spoilt the whole body gets spoilt and that is the heart.”[Bukhari]
So we need to be asking mothers what is going on in your heart? How are you feeling and what are you burying so that you can carry on day after day looking after your children and your home and even working outside of the home, because giving up is not an option.
Looking back on my darkest days, to the outside world I put a smile on and showed them my bubbly self. In my home, I was on edge, sensitive, overwhelmed, easily upset and would easily snap. What no one else saw except my Lord was my inner most vulnerable state, where it felt like my heart was always crying. I wouldn’t even allow the tears of my heart to reach my eyes. But I was very sad, hurt and scared at what the future would bring.
After speaking to so many sisters, I know that I am not alone. The sadness that we face is what leads to the anger. It’s not an anger by choice but its an anger by default because we do not know what to do with our hurt and sadness, except to bury it or avoid it. We don’t even allow ourselves time to recover and heal, fearing that we will breakdown and be unable to cope by allowing those feelings to rise to the surface. Is this how it feels for you too?
My dear sister, there is no need to bury or hide or ignore your pain anymore. Because when we do, it causes us further pain and that pain is unintentionally then passed on to those around us like our children. Our children then hold their pain in a similar way as they see us holding on our pain and releasing in the way that they see us release our pain. What is created is a cycle of pain that is passed around. That is probably how the pain came to us in the first place, someone else’s pain that was passed on through anger.
There is another way my sister, a way to break the cycle of pain and to create a cycle of peace that runs through your home. We will have to talk about what is hurting you of course and I know you want to avoid that, but what I help women like you do, is actually to find relief when they let go of all of that baggage they’ve been carrying like a bag of onions on your back. When I dropped my bag of onions, I remember looking in the mirror and noticing that I stood taller. Its amazing the impact of emotional baggage on your physical health too, let alone your weight.
You see when you understand how your mind deals with the pain instead of allowing you to move on, you realise why you have been unable to move on in the first place. Incidents that happened years ago, continue to affect you long after it happened only because we did not understand how our psychology works.
What we also did not understand is how our spiritual connection with Allah is affected by that bag of onions therefore, we ask, we pray and we beg, but we may not feel relieved. So part of our conversation lies in me understanding you, but the other part is in your understanding how your mind and heart works according to the Quran and Sunnah, and how to use it so that you can break free of your pain.
So if you have become angry because you are hurting and you don’t know what to do with your pain, then reach out today my sister and I will help you inshaa Allah find peace and happiness in your heart once more.
Looking forward to helping you reach the light at the end of the tunnel,
Your coach, Amina x